Nurturing Marital Love - by Salmaan ibn Fahd al-'Awdah
He bounded up the stairs so energetically that it was hard for me
to believe that here was a man of more than eighty years. He had the
vitality of a youth. Then I learned the reason why:
Though he had gotten married back in 1947 when he was about thirty
years old, he was able to say to me: “I do not recall that
I ever once got angry with my wife or that she was even once annoyed
with me. And if I had a headache, it was impossible for her to sleep
until after I fell asleep.”
Then he said with feeling: “I can never think of going out
somewhere, even to purchase some household needs, without taking
her with me and holding her hand. It is as if we are newlyweds.”
When, due to a medical operation, she had become unable to bear
children, he said to her: “You are more precious to me than
children.”
He told me: “As long as she walks upon the Earth, I could
never even think of marrying anyone else.”
That man is a good example of how devotion can last even into old
age. Unfortunately, when we look at the state of the majority of
people of any age, we can appreciate that his relationship is a
rarity indeed, a sort of ideal.
Of course, we do not have to be held to such an ideal. Moreover,
we should not go to our spouses and expect them to be like that
when we ourselves have so many shortcomings.
Marriage is love and affection. Allah says: “He created for
you mates from among yourselves so that you can seek comfort in
them and He has placed between you affection and mercy.” [Surah
al-Rum: 21]
This is why each sex is drawn to the other in the first place,
as if each person is looking for his missing other half.
When the wife of the famous jurist Abu Rabi`ah died, he carried
out her burial himself and had to wipe the dirt from his own hands.
However, when he returned home, he was overcome with grief and lamented
to his Lord, his eyes filling with tears: “Now…my home
has died as well. The home only lives for the woman who dwells inside
it.”
Marital love requires extraordinary effort from both parties if
it is to last and remain vital. The difficulty of marital love does
not lie in those small disagreements that are a normal part of everyday
life and that all couples haves to work out. Indeed, such problems
sometimes revitalize the relationship, like spice in a savory dish.
The real problem lies in three things:
1. The inability of one person to understand the other. Indeed sometimes
a person even has difficulty understanding his own self.
2. The inability of a person to adapt to the partnership that is
marriage and the inability to cope with the life changes that it
brings. Many people expect things to remain the same as they were
before.
3. The most important problem is a lack of commitment to the relationship
and to making it last. This is why it is necessary for people to
understand “the rules of the game” when it comes to
love.
Ten ways to achieve lasting love
Since marital love is prone to sickness and even death, it is imperative
for couples to constantly work to revitalize and preserve it.
Husbands and wives must do the following:
1. They have to get in the habit of saying things that are
positive, like offering compliments and like making little prayers
for each other.
A husband could say to his wife: “If I were sent back to
the days of my youth, I would not choose for a wife anyone besides
you.” Of course, the wife can easily say something similar
to her husband.
Affectionate words have an effect, especially on women. They have,
indeed, often been the weapons used by unscrupulous men to gain
access to what is not theirs.
Sweet words arouse a woman’s heart. A husband should take
care to say them to his wife before someone else does.
2. Husbands and wives have to get into the habit of doing
those little things that mean so much. If a man comes home
to find his wife asleep, he can cover her and tuck her into bed.
A husband can give his wife a call from work just to say hello
and to let her know that he is thinking about her.
If a wife finds that her husband has fallen asleep, she can give
him a little kiss on the forehead, even if she thinks that he will
not be aware of it. Indeed, on some level his senses are working
even though he is asleep and he may very well be aware of it.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) emphasized the value of these little
things, “…even the morsel of food that you place in
your wife’s mouth…” [Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih
Muslim]
It may very well be that the Prophet (peace be upon him) was alluding
to the expenditure of a man for his wife’s needs. Nonetheless,
the Prophet (peace be upon him) chose to express it in the way he
did for a reason. Most importantly, this is the way the Prophet
peace be upon him) conducted himself with his family.
This type of behavior is governed by the tastes of the people involved.
It may take some getting used to, but it really does not take a
lot of effort.
A person who is not accustomed to such things may feel embarrassed
just hearing about them and may prefer to leave matters the way
they are rather than try to change his behavior and do things that
he might see as ridiculous.
Still, we must be willing introduce new habits into our lives if
we do not want our problems to go on forever.
3. The husband and wife must set aside time to talk to each
other. They should talk about the past; reminisce about the good times.
Talking about them keeps them fresh in our minds as if they had happened
only yesterday. They should talk about the future and share their
hopes and their plans. They should also talk about the present, both
the good and bad of it, and discuss different ways to solve their
problems.
4. Keeping close physical contact is good for the relationship.
This is not just for times of intimacy, but at all times, like when
sitting in the lounge or walking down the street. This is regardless
of the fact that there are still men in our society who are ashamed
to have people see them walking in public with their wives at their
sides.
5. Emotional support should be guaranteed whenever it
is required. When the wife is pregnant or on her monthly period, she
may need her husband to lend her a little moral support. He should
take her mental state into consideration. Medical experts attest to
the fact that when women go through pregnancy, menstruation, or postpartum
bleeding, they suffer from psychological stress that can aversely
affect their behavior. It is at times like these that a woman needs
her husband’s support. She needs him to let her know how much
she means to him and how much he needs her in his life.
Likewise, the husband might fall ill or come under a lot of difficulties.
The wife must take these things into consideration. If people want
their relationship to last, they must let each other feel that support.
6. There have to be some material expressions of love.
Gifts should be given, sometimes without there being any occasion
for it, since a pleasant surprise is always welcome. A good gift is
one that expresses feelings of affection. It does not have to be expensive,
but it has to be appropriate for the other’s tastes and personality;
something that will be cherished.
7. The husband and wife have to learn how to be more
tolerant of each other and overlook one another’s shortcomings.
It should become a habit to forget about the little mistakes of daily
life and not even bring them up. Silence in these trivialities is
a sign of noble character.
A woman said to `A’ishah (may Allah be pleased with her):
“When my husband comes home, he becomes like a cat. When he
goes out, he becomes like a lion. He does not ask about what might
have happened.” [Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim]
Ibn Hajar explains her words as follows:
They might mean that he is very generous and tolerant. He does
no make a big fuss about what goes missing of his wealth. If he
brings something for the house, he dies not enquire about it later
on. He does not make an issue of the shortcomings that he might
see at home but instead is clement and tolerant.
It is wrong to go overboard in considering the faults of others
but when it comes to ourselves, keep a running account of all our
good qualities.
There is a tradition that goes: “One of you sees the dust
in his brother’s eyes and forgets about the dirt in his own.”
8. A husband and wife must come to an understanding
when it comes to matters of mutual concern, like the raising of children,
work, travel, expenses, and problems that might pose a threat to the
marital relationship.
9. Husbands and wives need to do things to liven up
their relationship. Each one of them can read a book or listen to
a cassette that might give them some ideas on how they can revitalize
their marital life and bring more meaning to it. They can vary their
habits when it comes to relaxing together, dining, taking refreshments,
decorating their home, and in relating to each other both openly and
intimately. These are the things that keep up the excitement and interest
in a relationship.
10. The relationship must be protected from negative influences
that can harm it. One of the worst of these is the habit of comparing
one’s spouse to others. Many men tend to compare their wives
to those of other men. Some even compare them with the faces they
see in magazines and on television. Women also compare their husbands
with other women’s husbands in things like wealth, looks, and
how many times he takes her out. All of this makes people feel bad
and insufficient and it can ruin the marital relationship.
If we must compare ourselves to others, we should do so with those
who have less going for them than ourselves. Allah’s Messenger
(peace be upon him) said: “Look towards those who are beneath
you and do not look towards those who are above you. This is better
so that you do not belittle Allah’s blessings.” [Sahih
al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim]
We must accustom ourselves to living in the real world and to finding
contentment in what Allah has decreed for us. We should not look
longingly at what others have been given. Whatever little that we
have will be a lot if we utilize it well.
It is quite possible that many who speak about their marital bliss
and go on boasting about their husbands and wives are untruthful
in what they say. They just like to brag.
The grass often does seem greener on the other side, but only because
we are not looking at it up close.
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