Concept of Love
"Certainly We have revealed to you a Book in which
is your own reminder; what! Will you not then use your reasoning?"
Al Qur'an 21:10
Do we have a free will to select our life partner? Are we permitted
to Love someone? Is it acceptable for girls to have boy friends
and for boys to have girl friends? What is the criteria for selecting
a life partner? Following is a discussion of such questions from
a Quranic perspective.
Free consent for Marriage
The Qur'an informs us that women cannot be forced to get married
and thus they have the right to express their will. The following
Ayah tells us;
"O you who believe! You are Forbidden to inherit women
against their will. Nor should you treat them with harshness that
you may take away part of the dower you have given them -except
where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live
with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If you take a dislike
to them it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings about
through it a great deal of good." (4:19)
In Sura 4, the believing man is also given the permission to marry
women of his choice, thus he too can excersize his free will.As
reminded;
"If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly
with the orphans, so Marry women of Your Choice two or three or
four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly
(with them) then only one.Or what your right hands possesed.That
is nearer,that you do not decline from justice" (4:3)
Thus both, believing women as well as men have been given the right
to have a say in their marriage, i.e. women cannot be married forcefully
and men also have been given the right to marry women of their choice.
Then again in Sura 4 Ayah 21 ,Marriage has been identified as a
<Meesaq> (Contract) that women have taken from men:
"And how could you take it when you have gone in unto
each other and they (Your wives) have Taken from you a solemn covenant?
" (4:21)
A contract or covenant requires the free consent of both parties
in agreeing to that contract.
An agreement in which a person is forced to do something against
his or her will, does not constitute a <Meesaq> or contract.
If the woman has been forced into getting married or the will of
the man has been manipulated by coercion then such an agreement
does not become a contract or <Meesaq>. Thus for a contract
of marriage to come about, both parties i.e. the man as well as
the woman have to use their free will in coming to terms and agreeing
to live the rest of their lives with each other. If out of these
two any one is forced or does not have their free will involved
then such would not constitute a <Meesaq>.
This should clarify that a believing man or woman does have the
right to accept or reject his or her would be husband or wife.They
do have the right to express their will.
The Limit of Love
First of all we need to ascertain as to what do we mean by the
term loving someone? That 'someone', do we like his or her physical
appearance? Or do we mean we like his or her character traits? Or
what his or her views are about life and many other things? Do we
like the background he or she is coming from? Their economic status?
All of us do have feelings and emotions in us. We are not rocks
or made of stones, we do have feelings, we cry when we get hurt,
smile when we are happy, get depressed when something happens against
our wishes, all these feelings are within us, but we should not
let these feelings and emotions rule our lives.The feelings are
there, no denying that, but they have to be kept within the limits
ordained by Allah.
We should not let these feelings rule our lives. There has to be
a balance between our feelings and emotions and our reason and intelligence.
We should be constantly aware of our duties and responsibilities
and they should not be neglected by feelings and emotions overcoming
our minds.
When a person is emotionally worked up, i.e. he or she is under
the influence of emotions like love, anger etc. Then that person
cannot use his or her faculty of reasoning and intellect in ascertaining
things. He or she will only listen to what the emotions are telling,
no matter how much you try to make such persons to understand, they
will not analyze things logically and with reasoning until their
emotions are settled down.
We should let our feelings be subdued and look at things in a more
practical, reasonable and logical way.
Usually with young people this is difficult to understand, but
with the passage of time, when one attains some maturity we do realize
these things.
Now about the issue of whether we can like (love) someone, the
Qur'an has laid certain conditions for loving people as well. All
of us do have these emotions in us, after all it is Allah Himself
who has given these to us, but we cannot surpass the law of Allah
in that love. Our total devotion and dedication has to be for the
cause of Allah. We often hear the very common expression that people
under the influence of emotions say to each other, something like;
"I will give my life for you" or "you are my everything"
etc. Such devotion is not allowed by the Qur'an.The Qur'an renounces
such people, who are so infatuated.
Allah informs us through His Messenger;
"Yet there are among people who take others besides Allah
as equal (with Allah): THEY LOVE THEM AS THEY SHOULD LOVE ALLAH.
But the Believers are strong in their LOVE FOR ALLAH. If only the
oppressors could see behold they would see the penalty: that to
Allah belongs all power and Allah will strongly enforce the penalty."
(2:165)
The Believer in the message of Qur'an cannot be totally devoted
to someone rather than the cause of Allah.His or her goal of life
is mentioned in the following verse;
"Say:' Surely my Salat and my solitude and MY LIFE and
MY DEATH are (all) FOR ALLAH, the Sustainer of the Universe;"
(6:162)
The above verse should be the motto of a true believer, and a person
who maintains such principles, can he give his total love and devotion
to someone else?
We cannot surpass the law of Allah in having any feelings or considerations
for any one, no matter how close relations they may have with us.We
(The believers in the Qur'an) are strictly reminded;
"Say:'If your FATHERS and your SONS and your BRETHERN
and your SPOUSES and your RELATIVES and the WEALTH you have acquired
and the TRADE whose dullness you fear and the HOMES in which you
are satisfied,if you LOVE any of these more than ALLAH AND HIS MESSENGER
AND THE STRIVING IN HIS CAUSE, then wait until ALLAH brings about
His order; and ALLAH guides not the oppressing people."
(9:24)
To the believers the cause of Allah is what matters the most, the
way of life that is prescribed for them in the Quran, they
don't make any compromises with anyone against that way of life,
even to their very loved ones. Such quality of theirs is identified
by Allah Himself:
"You shall not find a people who believe in Allah and
the last day LOVING those who act in opposition to Allah and His
Messenger, even though they were their (own) FATHERS, or their SONS,
or their BROTHERS, or their RELATIVES; these are they into whose
hearts He has written belief , and whom He has strengthened with
a spirit from Him: and He will cause them to enter gardens beneath
which rivers flow, abiding therein; Allah is well-pleased with them
and they are well-pleased with Him these are Allah's party: now
surely the party of Allah are the successful ones." (58:22)
The criteria for selecting a ife partner
The Qur'an is very clear about what to consider in selecting a life
partner.The following verse informs us:
"And DO NOT MARRY those women who associate others with
Allah <mushrikat> UNTIL they believe, and certainly a believing
maid is better than a a woman who associates <mushrika> ,
even though she should please you; and DO NOT give (believing women)
in marriage to those men who associate with Allah <mushrikeen>
UNTIL THEY BELIEVE, and certainly a believing servant is better
than a man who associates with Allah, even though he should please
you; AND THESE <MUSHRIKEEN> INVITE YOU TO THE FIRE, and Allah
invites to the garden and to forgiveness by His will, and makes
clear His Ayat (verses) to Mankind, that they may be mindful."
(2:221)
The above verse negates the concept of beauty or physical attraction,
along with wealth or economic status of a person, and establishes
that it is <Eimaan> i.e. Belief and conviction on the Quranic
laws that should be the point to consider in selecting a life partner.
Making boyfriends or girlfriends
The Believers are informed in the Qur'an that they are to maintain
a modest lifestyle and are discouraged from having paramours. An
important injunction concerning those with whom marriage is permissible
is that they should not have any paramours.:
"This day (all) the good things are allowed to you; and
the food of those who have been given the Book is lawful for you
and your food is lawful for them; and the chaste from among the
believing women and the chaste from among those who have been given
the Book before you (are lawful for you); when you have given them
their dowries, taking (them) in marriage, not fornicating NOR TAKING
THEM FOR PARAMOURS; and whoever denies belief, his work indeed is
of no account, and in the hereafter he shall be one of the losers."
(5:5)
Secret affairs and intimacy of this sort is not permitted by the
Qur'an. It is clearly reminded regarding those women with whom the
contract of marriage is sought:
"There is no blame on you if you make an offer of betrothal
or hold it in your hearts.Allah knows that you cherish them in your
hearts: But do not make a secret promise with them except that you
utter a recognized matter
" (2:235)
Believing women are also reminded what type of behavior they are
to maintain with un related men:
"O Women of the Prophet! you are not like any other of
the women; If you will be on your guard, then be not complacent
in (your) speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease yearn; and
speak a recognized utterance." (33:32)
Believing men are also reminded to maintain a modest behavior:
"Say to the believing men that they restrain their gaze
and guard their private parts; that is purer for them; surely Allah
is Aware of what they do." (24:30)
TOTAL COMMITEMENT TO THE CAUSE OF ALLAH
To a believer the first preference in life is the Cause of Allah,
he or she is totally dedicated to that cause and cannot have any
emotional considerations which would neglect their duties as believers.
The above verses are very clear in indicating this aspect. I would
like to repeat that verse again which clearly expresses the agenda
of a Believer in the Qur'anic message:
"Say. Surely my Salat and my solitude and MY LIFE and
MY DEATH are (all) FOR ALLAH, the Sustainer of the Universe."
(6:162)
Total dedication to Allah.This is what is required to be a Believer.
Selecting a Marriage Partner
Marriage is recommended for partners who share a common way of
life. The matrimonial partners should be able to fulfill their purpose
of creation as defined by Allah. They should be able to effectively
carry out their responsibility as care-takers (khalifah) of earth.
They should share the common goal of building a well integrated
Muslim community and be able to work harmoniously towards it.
CRITERIA FOR SELECTING A MARRIAGE PARTNER
Normally the criteria for selecting matrimonial mates are many:
wealth, beauty, rank, character, congeniality, compatibility, religion,
etc. The Quran enjoins Muslims to select partners who are good and
pure (tayyib)
"Women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity
are for women of purity "(Quran 24:26)
Prophet Muhammad (S) recommended Muslims to select those partners
who are best in religion (din) and character.
"A woman may married for four reasons: for her property, for
her rank, for her beauty, and for her religion (and character).
So marry the one who is best in the religion and character and prosper".
(Bukhari and Muslim)
Prophet Muhammad (S) assured the bounty of Allah to those who wish
to get married and live a pure and clean life.
"Three groups of people Allah obliged Himself to help them:
Mujahid in the cause of Allah, a worker to pay his debt, and the
one who wants to marry to live a chaste life". (Tirmidhi)
Freedom to choose a Marriage Partner
Islam has given freedom of choice to those who wish to get married.
The mutual choice of the would-be-spouses is given the highest consideration:
"do not prevent them from marrying their husbands when
they agree between themselves in a lawful manner" (Quran
2:232)
The process of mate selection should be a function of a healthy
balance between the freedom of choice of the would-be-spouses and
consideration of the influence and consent of the parents/guardians.
The freedom of choice of those who wish to get married should not
preclude the influence and consent of the parents/guardians nor
should the parents/guardians ignore the wishes and consent of the
would be spouses.
Falling in love is not a pre-condition for marriage in Islam. However,
for the purpose of selecting an appropriate mat, the would-be-spouses
are allowed to see and/or talk to each other.
Prophet Muhammad (S) recommended:
"When one of you seeks a woman in marriage, and then if he
is able to have a look at whom he wishes to marry, let him do so".
(Abu Dawood)
The would-be-spouse are allowed to see each other for matrimonial
purposes under the direct supervision of their mahram relatives.
This provision is expected to be conceived and executed with piety
and modesty.
Prophet Muhammad (S) instructed:
"No man has the right to be in the privacy with a woman who
is not lawful for him. Satan is their third party unless there is
a mahram". (Ahmad)
The would-be-spouses residing in non-Muslim societies are recommended
to enter into a pre-nuptial commitment to safeguard Islamic values
and Muslim personal law.
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