11 Point-Plan for Marital Bliss
The young and excited bride-and-groom-to-be; ecstatic about the
upcoming wedding and marriage and the joy that it will bring. Three
to six months later, reality has set in and both spouses realize that
marriage is no easy task, but one that takes a great deal of effort
and patience. The following are tips for both wives and husbands,
to help make the task a little less daunting, and to increase the
many rewards that are possible in such a marvelous and complex relationship.
1. Enter the Marriage with the Right Intention and Renew this
Often
Both spouses should enter the marriage with the pure intention
of pleasing Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, in order to receive His
grace and blessings. The marriage itself then becomes an act of
worship and one for which both spouses will be rewarded. Allah will
be pleased with them and this will be the most critical element
in ensuring peace, stability and happiness throughout the marital
life. It is also important to realize that when an act of worship
is continued over a long period of time, it becomes necessary to
renew one's intention often to remain on the correct path and to
obtain the most benefit.
2. Remember that Your Spouse is also Your Brother or Sister
in Islam
Too often Muslims treat other people outside the home with kindness
and sincerity, but then behave in a very different manner when it
comes to their own spouses. Muslims should always remember that
one's spouse is also another brother or sister in Islam and that
the rights and duties that apply to the general brotherhood (sisterhood)
of Islam, should also form the basis of the marital relationship.
Obviously, a spouse has rights beyond these, but there should be
a clear understanding of the rights of brotherhood (sisterhood)
and adherence to these principles.
3. Do Not Hold Unrealistic Expectations
Before marriage, people often have unrealistic ideas about their
spouse-to-be, expecting perfection in all aspects. This rarely,
if ever, plays out in reality and can lead to unnecessary problems
and concerns. We should recall that Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala,
created humans as imperfect beings, which means that many mistakes
will be made throughout a lifetime. By turning the table and expecting
imperfection, we will be pleasantly surprised and pleased when our
spouse is much more than we ever hoped for. This, in turn, will
lead to contentment within the marriage.
4. Emphasize the Best in Your Spouse
Since no one is endowed with all of the best qualities, emphasis
should be placed on the positive qualities that a spouse possesses.
Encouragement, praise, and gratitude should be expressed on a regular
basis, which will strengthen these qualities and be beneficial in
developing others. An attempt should be made to overlook or ignore
negative characteristics, as the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam,
said, "A believing man should not have any malice against a
believing woman. He may dislike one characteristic in her, but may
find another in her which is pleasing." (Muslim)
5. Be Your Mate's Best Friend
Try to think of what a best friend means and be one to your spouse.
This may mean sharing interests, experiences, dreams, failures and
upsets. It may involve understanding a spouse's likes and dislikes
and attempting to please him or her in any way possible. A best
friend is also usually someone that can be confided to trusted,
and relied upon. A spouse should be the kind of friend that one
would want to keep throughout life.
6. Spend Quality Time Together
It is not enough to share meals, chores and small talk together.
Spouses should also find time to focus on strengthening the relationship.
Often couples get busy with their own separate tasks and forget
about working on one of the most important elements in life. Quality
time may be anything from having a quiet, profound conversation
to going for a nice long nature walk, to sharing a special hobby
or project. Both spouses should enjoy the particular option chosen
and distractions should be kept to a minimum.
7. Express Feelings Often
This is probably a very "Western" concept and one that
some people may have difficulty fulfilling, but it is important
to be open and honest about one's feelings, both positive and negative.
The lines of communication should always be open and any concerns
should be brought to the attention of the other spouse as soon as
they arise. The rationale of this is that what begins as a simple
concern may grow into a major problem if it is not addressed quickly
and properly. The "silent treatment" has never been the
remedy for anything.
8. Admit to Mistakes and ask for Forgiveness
Just as we ask Allah to forgive us when we make mistakes, we should
also do the same with our spouses. The stronger person is the one
who can admit when he or she is wrong, request pardon from the other,
and work hard to improve his/her aspects that are in need of change.
When a person is unwilling to do this, there will be little growth
and development in the marriage.
9. Never Bring up Mistakes of the Past
It can be very hurting for another person to be reminded of past
mistakes. In Islam, it is generally not recommended to dwell on
the past. One may remember errors that were made so that they are
not repeated, but this should not be done excessively. Certainly,
as humans, we are not in the position to judge another person. Advice
may be given, but not in a harmful manner.
10. Surprise Each Other at Times
This may entail bringing home a small gift or flowers, preparing
a special meal, dressing up and beautifying oneself (this is not
only for women), or sending a secret note in a lunchbox. A little
imagination will go a long way here. The idea is to spice up the
marriage and avoid getting into a dull routine that may negatively
affect the marriage.
11. Have a Sense of Humour
This particular aspect can go a long way in preventing arguments
and brightening the atmosphere of the home. Life is a constant stream
of challenges and tests, and to approach it in a light-hearted manner
will help to make the journey smoother and more enjoyable. You may
also find that your spouse enjoys this characteristic and looks
forward to spending time with you because of it.
Quick Tips for Discussions and Disagreements:
- Begin with the intention to resolve the issue. If both spouses
have this intention and plan to consult together, it is more likely
that there will be a successful resolution.
- Remember that it takes two to quarrel. If only one person chooses
not to argue, there will be no argument. Generally, the one who
is wrong does most of the talking.
- Both spouses should not be angry at the same time. If one of
the spouses becomes upset, it is best if the other tries to remain
calm and collected.
- Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. Of course,
house fires do not occur very frequently; yelling should occur at
about the same rate.
- Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. This is one of
the worst things that can happen in a marriage and should be avoided
as much as possible. This allows hurt feelings and thoughts to linger
and generally exacerbates the problem.
- If one spouse needs to win, let it be your mate. Do not focus on
winning yourself; this is the main reason that discussions tend to
become heated.
Back to Content
|