Ten ways of increasing happiness in your marriage
and making it a successful one
The young and excited bride-and-groom-to-be; ecstatic about the
upcoming wedding and marriage and the joy that it will bring. Three
to six months later, reality has set in and both spouses realize
that marriage is no easy task, but one that takes a great deal of
effort and patience. The following are tips for both wives and
husbands, to help make the task a little less daunting, and to
increase the many rewards that are possible in such a marvelous and
complex relationship.
Enter the Marriage with the Right Intention and Renew this
Often
Both spouses should enter the marriage with the pure intention of
pleasing Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, in order to receive His grace
and blessings. The marriage itself then becomes an act of worship
and one for which both spouses will be rewarded. Allah will be
pleased with them and this will be the most critical element in
ensuring peace, stability and happiness throughout the marital life.
It is also important to realize that when an act of worship is
continued over a long period of time, it becomes necessary to renew
one's intention often to remain on the correct path and to obtain
the most benefit.
Remember that Your Spouse is also Your Brother or Sister in
Islam
Too often Muslims treat other people outside the home with
kindness and sincerity, but then behave in a very different manner
when it comes to their own spouses. Muslims should always remember
that one's spouse is also another brother or sister in Islam and
that the rights and duties that apply to the general brotherhood
(sisterhood) of Islam, should also form the basis of the marital
relationship. Obviously, a spouse has rights beyond these, but there
should be a clear understanding of the rights of brotherhood
(sisterhood) and adherence to these principles.
Do Not Hold Unrealistic Expectations
Before marriage, people often have unrealistic ideas about their
spouse-to-be, expecting perfection in all aspects. This rarely, if
ever, plays out in reality and can lead to unnecessary problems and
concerns. We should recall that Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, created
humans as imperfect beings, which means that many mistakes will be
made throughout a lifetime. By turning the table and expecting
imperfection, we will be pleasantly surprised and pleased when our
spouse is much more than we ever hoped for. This, in turn, will lead
to contentment within the marriage.
Emphasize the Best in Your Spouse
Since no one is endowed with all of the best qualities, emphasis
should be placed on the positive qualities that a spouse possesses.
Encouragement, praise, and gratitude should be expressed on a
regular basis, which will strengthen these qualities and be
beneficial in developing others. An attempt should be made to
overlook or ignore negative characteristics, as the Prophet,
sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "A believing man should not have
any malice against a believing woman. He may dislike one
characteristic in her, but may find another in her which is
pleasing." (Muslim)
Be Your Mate's Best Friend
Try to think of what a best friend means and be one to your
spouse. This may mean sharing interests, experiences, dreams,
failures and upsets. It may involve understanding a spouse's likes
and dislikes and attempting to please him or her in any way
possible. A best friend is also usually someone that can be confided
to trusted, and relied upon. A spouse should be the kind of friend
that one would want to keep throughout life.
Spend Quality Time Together
It is not enough to share meals, chores and small talk together.
Spouses should also find time to focus on strengthening the
relationship. Often couples get busy with their own separate tasks
and forget about working on one of the most important elements in
life. Quality time may be anything from having a quiet, profound
conversation to going for a nice long nature walk, to sharing a
special hobby or project. Both spouses should enjoy the particular
option chosen and distractions should be kept to a minimum.
Express Feelings Often
This is probably a very "Western" concept and one that some
people may have difficulty fulfilling, but it is important to be
open and honest about one's feelings, both positive and negative.
The lines of communication should always be open and any concerns
should be brought to the attention of the other spouse as soon as
they arise. The rationale of this is that what begins as a simple
concern may grow into a major problem if it is not addressed quickly
and properly. The "silent treatment" has never been the remedy for
anything.
Admit to Mistakes and ask for Forgiveness
Just as we ask Allah to forgive us when we make mistakes, we
should also do the same with our spouses. The stronger person is the
one who can admit when he or she is wrong, request pardon from the
other, and work hard to improve his/her aspects that are in need of
change. When a person is unwilling to do this, there will be little
growth and development in the marriage.
Never Bring up Mistakes of the Past
It can be very hurting for another person to be reminded of past
mistakes. In Islam, it is generally not recommended to dwell on the
past. One may remember errors that were made so that they are not
repeated, but this should not be done excessively. Certainly, as
humans, we are not in the position to judge another person. Advice
may be given, but not in a harmful manner.
Surprise Each Other at Times
This may entail bringing home a small gift or flowers, preparing
a special meal, dressing up and beautifying oneself (this is not
only for women), or sending a secret note in a lunchbox. A little
imagination will go a long way here. The idea is to spice up the
marriage and avoid getting into a dull routine that may negatively
affect the marriage.
Have a Sense of Humour
This particular aspect can go a long way in preventing arguments
and brightening the atmosphere of the home. Life is a constant
stream of challenges and tests, and to approach it in a
light-hearted manner will help to make the journey smoother and more
enjoyable. You may also find that your spouse enjoys this
characteristic and looks forward to spending time with you because
of it.
Quick Tips for Discussions and Disagreements:
Begin with the intention to resolve the issue. If both
spouses have this intention and plan to consult together, it is more
likely that there will be a successful resolution.
Remember that it takes two to quarrel. If only one person
chooses not to argue, there will be no argument. Generally, the one
who is wrong does most of the talking.
Both spouses should not be angry at the same time. If one
of the spouses becomes upset, it is best if the other tries to
remain calm and collected.
Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. Of
course, house fires do not occur very frequently; yelling should
occur at about the same rate.
Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. This is one
of the worst things that can happen in a marriage and should be
avoided as much as possible. This allows hurt feelings and thoughts
to linger and generally exacerbates the problem.
If one spouse needs to win, let it be your mate. Do not
focus on winning yourself; this is the main reason that discussions
tend to become heated.
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